lack of everything...  i need a little inspiration to pick me up off of this bed.  I know my life is headed straight to the bottom when the only energy i can collect is the energy to party.  I've lost ten lbs and I'm not exactly happy about that, like most girls would be.  My overly defined legs are slowly becoming twigs.  My stomach cries to me, and i don't feed him.  Simply because my appetite has completely diminished.  I'm still struggling with the fact that i can't make everyone happy ::sigh::  I guess I've never experienced being "the new girl" before, cause boy oh boy it is overwhelming.  I want to be comfortable and I want to be a good daughter.  I want to feel confident in saying that I am happy.  I know whats right, and i can't do it.  I feel overwhelmed, especially being in Houston with everyone home for the holidays.  I feel some sort of stress to see EVERYONE that i have ever met in my life. I guess i'm just really unrealistic and silly.  I want to be happy with a nice boy, a nice boy who will play with me and want to do things other than party.  I can't change the way people are, even though i try. I'm really stubborn.  My anxiety is flying through the roof, I feel terribly ill.  I wish i could type everything in this measly little online journal.... i'm even frustrated because I've let all of my emotions build and i can't even sort them out.  I'm an insomniac and an addict, and i know it hurts my real friends.  I'm sorry everyone, I really really want to get better.  I guess i need to take some time to refresh myself before I can begin to help others.

I still love-

melissa

 I've been out of touch with this electronic journal world for a few years, but it feels nice to be back.  My life has become too complicated lately and i want things to settle :\  I've met some really amazing friends in Austin (Nashla, Samantha, Juan Carlos, Andy, Christopher, and Devanee :D + a bunch of other really great people).  School, hmmmmmm, I really like St. Edward's!  I came into this school year thinking i knew everything that I wanted, but i guess i really don't know at all.  The relationships I have engaged in thus far have really made me reevaluate what I need and what I want to do for the rest of my life.  Man, Forensic Science was way too tripped out.  I've had all these really scary dreams, and I think I would overheat my brain trying to figure out every minute detail of my specimen's life (the fact that a human becomes a specimen is disgusting).  I really do want to help people though, but I just don't think I can work that closely with people in the criminal justice field.  One Sunday, those of you who where there know, I figured out what i want to do-- for now.  So, i dropped my criminal studies class and changed my major to psychology.  I've tried a lot of new things in Austin, and i'll leave the rest up to your imagination.  I finally feel like I've met some people I really connect to, not just people you hang out with because of convenience. Austin has fucked the suburbs out of me, and I feel like it really disappoints my old friends.  Those who love me won't back away though; I'm a smart girl and I won't fuck up my life.  In regard to all of the recent drama, I just want you all to know I never wanted to hurt ANYONE.  I just finally had to make myself happy,  I had to test the waters.  What got out of it all is,  I can't be happy if those I care about are not.  I especially did not want to hurt someone in particular, one of the best people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.  I'm starting to think I have had too many fucked up relationships to ever be completely sure about one in the future. Man, i feel sorry for the person who fucked me up the most this year.  I don't even want to be your friend, your intelligence means nothing.  I'm glad I'm over you and I'm glad I at least made amazing friends because of you.  Dang, this is really long and depressing, but i need to catch you guys up!!! Dang, there is so much more I want to write too.  

Love Love Love !!!!

xx
Mel :D